Hey Teresa, have begun reading your work and am happily thumbing through. Too many people on this site seem to nitpick at the smallest things. Just enjoy the stories people! The whole point of an author is to entertain and Teresa, you do just that. The only quibble I have is that it's incomplete!!!
I agree with other commenters that this is potentially powerful stuff with the air of myth making about it. However the initial paragraphs are dense and you need something good to pull the reader in in the first pages. I would consider show not tell in this space and the most compelling image is of the sister being dragged out to be hanged as a witch. Maybe showing this as an event with dialogue etc. Backed for potential. Doug, The Goose.
Teresa This is so enchanting - what fun! You have a grand adventure here, full of exuberance, magic and prophecy. Ha-ha! A time travelling lover with attitude has to go a long way. Shelved with my best wishes David Green Ore
An eternally repeating story...WOW...shelved forever or.. Erasmus and Shasta are super attractive characters and this flies along...Excellent. Suggestion. Ch 1 is has a lot of explaining. You could possibly do a clip flashback of her sisters death, also maybe leave some of it to emerge later? Lots of fun with it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Mikey The Free
I was attracted by the cover and the Title. What you got up here reads like a fairytale, quite lovely. Ocasionally a little space between scenes would help orientation. I'll drop in to see if there's more to come. Best Luck
Theresa, a subject after my own heart! I love the pitch, the title, the premise. And the writing to boot. I'm not usually fond of books that set the scene and tell the history of someone's life before getting to the action, but this works. However, it may be that you need to bring it to life sooner and thread the back-story through the action., or bring some of the growing up elements to life. Anyway, love the whole feel of this tale, mythical, yet enough flesh and bones to make it real. And to me, myth is reality. My only other suggestion would be to break up some of those rather lengthy paras (particularly in Chapter two). Great read, and shelved with pleasure.
Excellent, cover, title and pitch. I loved the opening, very descriptive and tells us what we need to know. I thought it so sad that her sister was accused of witchcraft, dragged out of bed and hanged, terrible. Excellent writing in a genre that I like very much. Shelved with pleasure.
This has an interesting premise. There is certainly an 'other wordly' feel about all of this which adds to the intrigue. Overall your writing is good, but just watch how many adverbs creep in. I liked it, well done!
Great work Teresa, you must be one of those lucky people who didn't lose their imagination at puberty. I'll keep an eye out for it when it, (undoubtedly) gets published. Good luck, it's on my Watchlist to show my support. Reg.
Teresa, There’s a long tradition of using Christian history as underlying themes for fantasy stories aimed at young people.
CS Lewis and “The Chronicles of Narnia” come to mind as a prime example. So you’re certainly in good company with this venture. I’ll move this to my bookshelf
I won't pick you up on your grammar, I'll leave that to others far more qualified to do so. Just one little thing that irked me a bit was the first two mammoth paragraphs in chapter one, bust them up!
OK, that's the nit pick out of the way, now for the praise and yes there is plenty.
Your main character Erasmus, great name by the way, it's so important to name your characters well. He is a strong and integral part of the book and your portrayal of him is superb. I can close my eyes and see his black gaze (an amulet called the 'nazar boncugu' is still worn in countries in the middle east such as Turkey to ward off those that possess the 'evil eye') very well done I must say.
We have only seen a little of Shasta's character but already I think she will be more than a match for Erasmus.
All in all three excellent chapters. Needs a bit of tightening but then again so does just about every book on this site, mine included!
Teresa, this has a wonderfully elemental feel to it - I could almost feel the sea crashing against the shore -and you have picked my favourite coastline for this tale. I think the story could be even stronger though with a little work. You often invert sentences which slows down the read so maybe think about that - for eg, change to 'There had been constant movement.....' Just a little nitpick - people are hanged, meat is hung. Sorry, one of my pet niggles. There is a lot of back story in the first chapter and I wonder if maybe we could find out about Erasmus' growing up as we move on through the book. It's interesting but again, it slows down the read. Check POV too - are you going to switch between Erasmus and Shasta? That would make sense..... Oh, and going back, when Erasmus makes the two girls levitate....wouldn't that be a very dangerous thing to do? Might they not report him and he'd be accused of witchcraft, like his aunt?
Sorry, that sounds like a lot of niggles, but really it's only because I do think this could be even better. I'm going to back this for great imagination and promise. Jane WALKER
Teresa, I would buy your book! Backed.
Kindest Regards, Mary EVENSONG
For me, one of the first, sure signs of a good tale - and a good writer - tends to be the names they make up for their characters. Agastine. Erasmus. Drendell. Excellent choices, all. They match the style of the narrative which is assured, quiet, and elegiac. The story itself is hugely imaginative, and magical, spanning both fantasy and a bit of sci-fi, and the mix of the two works well. Backed.
I am constantly amazed at the quality of YA work available on this site and Eye of Erasmus is another marvelous addition!
Backed.
Diane Finish Line Sculpting David
What a wonderful gift you have. I have been pulled into your well crafted world and sit greedily drinking in everything with my eyes. I wish I had a little one to read aloud to for this story is precious. Why not mix a little sorrow with happiness, a little calm before the storm. You have represented your genre well. Congratulations. Backed Alexie Aaron
As a fellow fantasy author, I can say that this story is definitely intruiging. It's always so hard to construct a world, with its rules and people, for us than it is, say, an author of a crime novel set in modern day New York. Anyways, this story is charming, and I'm so happy to find that you've written a whole trilogy! I'll definitely be watchlisting this, and eventually backing when my bookshelf clears.
Wonderful work, Teresa. I can't wait to read more! Best, Britney (By Flame's Light)
I have read the first four chapters and I am entranced. You say "young adults" and I am certainly not young, but I love this and would happily carry on reading if time allowed. You are a born storyteller and this is a lovely story you tell. Erasmus is a great character and your descriptions are so good that I can visualise the scenes with ease. Backed with pleasure, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.
K.C. Hart
Dear Abella, I wish you the best of luck with this. Your title, short and long pitches are catchy. You have romance, mystery, great characters and places for the story. I especially like your voice. I’ve suggested to other writers here, a great little grammar book—Strunk & White. It explains where to put all those commas. Good luck. I will back. KC Hart Summer Rose
abelia wrote 6 days ago
Hi K C Thank you for the comments and indeed the backing. I know........... commas are an issue, so can i refer you to my many previous comments about editing. Thank you for the suggestion of Strunk and White, I will check it out. My understanding of comma usuage is......if you need to take a breath whilst reading then you need to insert a comma. The trouble is I get so carried away when writing, all punctuation goes out the door with the babys bath water :-) Teresa Eye of Erasmus.
David Appleby
Abelie, This is a wonderful opening chapter--you know, I couldn't help but visualize this, your writing lends itself to this, and ...well, for instance: "The full moon at times covered by the darkest of clouds competed with the fork lightening which ravaged the sky accomanied by heavy rolls of thunder..." and the violence of the sea tha heralds the arrival of Erasmus into the world surely is another example. Backed with a vote for good luck! David Appleby
Theresa, even though Fantasy is not my preferred read, I found this held my interest through these four chapters. Just check your dialogue for missing commas/full stops? Also for quotation marks which should be on the outside of commas, fullstops or question marks.
Women were a curse and a nuisance... haha, this could also be said about some men!
All the best with this and I'll make a spot for it on my shelf.
What a wonderful writing style that makes it so easy to get lost in Erasmus' world. My only suggestions are purely grammatical. In some places, I think you could use some commas in order to break apart the sentence. One example is, "His only female interest was his mother who had never remarried after the death of his father although she had many suitors." The sentence seems rushed and pauses after the words mother and father would give the reader a mental breath. Over all, I like where this book is going and definitely want to read more.
Teresa
This is powerful stuff, very well written and descriptive. You described the setting very well and I particularly liked the ending to chapter 1 when Erasmus was born. You engage the reader well so that they want to keep on reading and I intend to read everything that you have uploaded. I am shelving and I wish you good luck with it.
Teresa, Wow! Now that's real fantasy. I'm still in the process of reading. But this book awakens my imagination. I' m backing you.
Roland Callan
This has a classical style, quite unusual, and to begin with little dialogue, which is very much like the Greek myths I used to read as a kid. The ideas and characters really make this an interesting story - backed!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter ten to cover new ground and was rewarded by the budding feelings of Erasmus for Shasta. He has the romantic thought of being willing to isolate himself to her time period. Your greatest strength lies in the thoughts of your characters as they express their fondness for each other. Oh, and a cat named Merlin is cute.
In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more exciting by trimming some adverbs. “Slowly” crops up three times in the first paragraph.
This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.
This is exciting YA work, Theresa. I thought your opening was purposely dramatic - the weather, the flash of lightning - all great effects to signal the birth of Erasmus. Now, he's not your typical YA main character, and I like that about this story. He's no sweet innocent (which we see alot - including my own MC), no noble superhero (way, way too many of those). He's a weird kid born with strange powers. He doesn't have an epiphany and decide to use those powers for the good of mankind (at least not early on) - so I'm excited about him and want to keep reading.
I love the sense of mystery and romance at the beginning of chapter 2, that his birth was destined to coincide with the birth of a young woman. Then the catch - a young woman in another era. I would suggest changing "young woman" to "female" or "girl" because when she's born she's not a young woman yet.
Your summary of his powers is effective, places us on stronger ground as he exhibits those powers. I think your style is great for your market, and you'll have a strong following.
This is a great story, full of enchantment and romance. Erasmus and Shasta are two strong characters, and you introduce us to them, first of all Erasmus, in a way, speaking from their point of view, that helps us to know them fully from inside. Beginning with the story of Erasmus's birth helps to set the atmosphere of magic, and lays the groundwork for the power which we see developing in Erasmus. The vision of Shasta is a great way of bringing her into the story, and after Erasmus's initial vision, you take us inside Shasta's head and let us know what she, also, is thinking. You write clearly and without errors, which means that the story flows easily. Backed. Gerry McCullough, Belfast Girls.
Bravo, Theresa! Your introductory chapter is superb. In a few paragraphs you've established a courageous character, created a colorful setting, and given just enough background to explain the supernatural powers of her newborn son. All this serves as prologue (without the need to call it that) and sets the right tone for a fantasy.
I sympathize with your loss of edited copy, a tragedy indeed. Since you're probably redoing the work, I won't nit pick now at minor flaws, but would willingly cast an editor's eye on your results if you return to me. Your opening should sing. Meanwhile, I'll read on, since your synopsis promises interesting deeds of storm-born Erasmus. I'll gladly back you on my way out. --Bill
I would buy this book because of the subject matter of Erasmus and his life. Good structuring: 1st chapter Agastine pregnant cutting down the midwife witch and then the birth of Erasmus . Second Chapter: Erasmus early years. I like the line you end chapter 2 with "Erasmus spend many hours alone but he never felt lonely and this would hold good for the rest of his life." I like this, good writing, shelved. Good luck.
Hi, i really like the writing in this book, i think the last two lines of Chapter One particularly good as they make the hooks that we all need to read on. The character Erasmus is fascinating and well developed through the chapters. Your narrative is very relaxing to read, it almost lulls the reader through pages without noticing! I hope you do well with this book as i found it different and interesting, well done. Backed with pleasure Chris (inside out)
The manner of Erasmus's entry into this world suggests early on that he is to benefit from special powers, those which will enable him to commune with the spirit world. Agastine's child - significantly the 'seventh' child - is such that 'everything was different this time...' and the baby is to be born on the eve of Halloween - auspicious in itself. By the time we reach the end of Chapter 1, the gathering storm, culminating in a thunderbolt simultaneous with the emergence of Erasmus gives you an enveloping sense of foreboding, yes, eerieness. Through Chapter 2, the matter of fact narration, combined with a conversational style, allows your reader to willingly suspend disbelief for the promise of escape to new worlds, courtesy of Erasmus. The absence of dialogue is necessary in these two chapters, enabling you to condense so much and 'jump' the reader as you do when we learn, in one concise sentence, 'As time went on his confidence grew... he seemed to be mature beyond his years...'. By the end of Chjapter 2 and arriving at '... he never felt lonely...' there is the slightly stronger hint that Erasmus will have a unique power to enjoy another world constantly populated by his spirit contacts. The narrative style - excepting Middle English, narrative poem and approximately 650 years - is reminiscent of Chaucer's delivery throughout The Canterbury Tales and I can easily imagine your target readers with mouths agape before reading Chapter 3. Shelved Ray (A Child from the Wishing Well)
I have read all that you have updated on the site and to be honest with you, I was disappointed not to be able to read more. This is a marvelously ingenious plot: time travel, two people (time apart) born on the 31st October etc. you have a recipe for a superb story. Your characters are real and the dialogue moves the story on. Young adults would love this and that is why I am SHELVING it, because with just a little fine tuning here and there, you have material that should get published. You said that it was set in Cornwall - my favourite place. I spend about three months of the year there (going down on Tuesday for a week).
